35 minutes ago
With the work of recovery, i was able to become more in tune with my emotions. the first step in doing so was (the jump into the unknown)- ceasing the behaviors i used to use in order to numb, hide, or repress my emotions.
after that, i practiced identifying emotions, and noticing them as they came up for me. sitting with them- without trying to numb or detach in any way as i had been used to for so many years; was terrifying. all of the sudden i was feeling- and seemingly feeling every emotion i had repressed for so long- all at once. i felt like the ground below me had been broken, and i was all of the sudden floating, tumbling, falling, unsteady.
one of the most difficult yet profound moments in my recovery was making the decision to allow myself to feel. as simple as that was, and as complicated as it seemed. my window of tolerance to handle emotions was incredibly narrow. i experienced emotional dsyregulation day after day as the flood of emotions spilled out. looking back at this, i realize this was just part of the process. after living for years numbing my emotions, i suddenly felt run by them.
with time, patience, and practice, my window of tolerance began to expand. it was only by following directions to the professionals i was working with, practicing distress tolerance and taking opposite action (taking positive action despite how i felt), was i able to regulate emotionally, identify my feelings, and find freedom.
when you repress “negative” or distressing emotions, you repress all emotions- joy, serenity, gratitude, awe, and peace.
today, i practice checking in with myself throughout the day. when i notice myself feeling particularily sensitive, i make it a point to pause, breathe, honor what i am feeling and ask myself in that moment, “what is it that i need right now?” i use it as an inner compass.
the freedom of breaking through the chains of fear, addiction, a false sense of “safety” which had kept me imprisoned not only from life but from my own authenticity- is a gift that has transformed my life. in essence, it has allowed me to recover my true self that had been abandoned. ✨vs