5 minutes ago
Today i finished reading the book "fierce attachments" which my teacher @lianashanti
recommended reading in her mother wound class (lianashanti.com) if you think you had any enmeshment with your mother growing up. i certainly did, and the book was very enlightening. after i finished reading it i journaled about how my parents and past relationships were similar to the main characters. even though most of the book is in the 40s, surprisingly, there were many. the family dynamic, the mother being subordinate to the father, the purpose of her life being to receive his "love" and keep him happy and clean home. i also see a lot of the same patterns in today's society, the mothers giving up their lives and passions to raise children, women allowing men to mansplain, assuming male and female roles in the house, and of course i was guilty of many of these things in my marriage. so i listed all of the similarities, and i was truly astonished, and saddened. i asked a lot of why's in my journaling too, digging as deep as possible.
after about an hour or so of journaling, (there was a lot coming through!) i realized that i as a child constructed a shield. (remember my shield post from a little bit ago?) that was visually a huge wall. as a child, in an effort to shield myself, ego built a wall to block the "bad", like pain, sadness, abuse, my parents yelling at me, their neglect, and anything that didn't feel good. however, that wall didn't only block the bad, it also blocked the "good". like joy, happiness, love, light, success, healing, opportunities, growth, etc. i was asking and praying every morning and night for those things, the universe may have been sending them my way, but they were being automatically rejected before they even got close to me. strengthening my belief and story that those things do not come my way. sure occasionally slivers of those things would slip through the cracks of the wall, and all of which i am grateful for. but i believed this shield was protecting me, when in fact it has been keeping me from my greatest potential. (continued in comments)