I’ll start this by saying that if i’m in any way a rebel i’m the most boring rebel ever.
but in certain (aka christian) circles i sometimes feel like one. i’ve never been what the church says i should be. “lord, i offer up this rebel heart
so stubborn and so restless from the start
i don’t wanna fight you anymore
so take this rebel heart and make it yours”
god and i aren’t talking right now, but i listen to christian music. well, some of it, at least. @lauren_daigle
is an artist i’ve had on repeat and her song “rebel heart” really speaks to me.
i don’t even think all of my “rebellion” is a rebellion. i just think about things differently than a lot of people do and in ways that can make people uncomfortable sometimes. “help me lay the renegade to rest
turn the stone inside me back to flesh
and hold me ‘til my best defenses fall
and watch this rebel heart surrender all”
maybe the biggest and worst parts of my rebellion are the defenses and the walls i put up.
a friend periodically reminds me that i’m stubborn and has made a connection between that and the walls i have up with god right now. and i have considered—even without her prompting—that maybe i’m using doubts in my faith as a crutch. if i don’t know if i believe in him, i don’t need to try talking to him. i don’t need to try to make a connection with him.
part of me longs to trust god again and rest in him. but the other part of me is afraid. i’m not afraid of following god, just talking to him.
i actually got some bible study/prayer tool recommendations from the pastor that i talk to, but the thought of actually using them terrifies me.
i think this was a jumbled mess of thoughts, but it’s what was on my mind this week.
what was on your mind about god this week?