2 days ago
Story time: a couple weeks ago i made another attempt on my life. i’ve struggled with depression for such a long time without any respite that i felt like life was just not worth the struggle anymore. i took a toxic overdose, waited until i was numb and then got in my car, drove to to the motorway and tried to plough myself into the back of a truck. i was picked up by the police and for some reason, i got really lucky, i must have looked so f*****g dire because the police took pity on me and didn’t charge me with a dui, didn’t crush my uninsured car, and gave me a chance.
i had a huge wake up call, i can’t allow myself to be that kind of garbage person. i need to find a way to love myself enough to actually try. to get out of bed in the morning and actually want to live my life.
i’ve been working on personal development, trying to turn the painful experiences i’ve had into lessons and use them to become stronger instead of leaving them as open wounds that i keep picking open so they never heal. i’m trying to pull myself out of the self pity and start doing the things in life that i’ve always wanted to do but always told myself i don’t have the time or the money or that i had other responsibilities to take care of before i could go and do something for myself.
i’ve never organised a trip to somewhere i wanted to go. i’ve never travelled abroad to a place i’ve always wanted to visit, i’ve only ever had other holidays organised for me as part of a group and they’ve always been beach holidays.
i want to go and see a city rich with culture, i want to have a new experience in a place i’ve never been. so i’ve spent all my pennies on a trip to amsterdam. i don’t have much, but i’m tired of making excuses for not doing the things i want to do, so i’m going. i’m choosing to live the life i want. and despite the fact that i’m now broke and alone, i feel so happy that i’m taking control of my life.
sorry for the super personal overshare, but i’ve always been an open book, and i find comfort in sharing myself with other people because i often find i’m not alone in my struggles and it brings a lot of comfort to hear similar stories.
i love you all ❤️ stay happy